Aishiteru

Some stuff (no details) got me thinking today. To be honest, I feel sorry for my boyfriend. I come with an absolute fuckload of emotional garbage. I have been through so many phases in my life that it’s hard to keep track of it, even for me. I’ve been beaten down, got back up, screwed up myself, let go of nearly all my principles, crawled my way back up into life, etc. I have so many fears when it comes to love and devotion that it messes me up completely. I’m sorry, but if you choose to love me, you do not have an easy path ahead.

Emotionally, I’m a nutcase. I go from happy to sad in a second, from normal to vicious in a millisecond and from angry to freaked out in the blink of an eye. Sometimes I don’t even have a real reason for my mood swings, at least not any that sounds reasonable and normal. I have issues devoting myself to someone, trusting someone enough to give them my heart, and even when I do so, I am very likely to cheat on them whenever something goes wrong.

I do not believe one can love more than one person at once, yet I’ve had this nasty habit of having several boyfriends at a time. I went through times when I had no respect at all, not for anyone else, nor for myself or my body. I date boys, tell them I care, then go and ignore their phone calls for weeks until they finally give up or I decide to ‘officially’ dump them, just to get rid of them. I have so many issues being emotionally attached to anything, ranging from a pet to another human being, that I’ve tried to give it up all together for many times.

I learnt how to hide my feelings, how to hide my pain, my anger, until the point that it boils up deep inside to eventually burst out in an explosion of rage. I hit the mirror until it broke, because I could not stand looking at myself and the monster I had become. Grotesque, emotionless, weak, empty. Then I learnt to punch the wall rather than cut myself, decided suicide is never a solution, not even when your mind plays the craziest and most horrid games with you. I learnt how to put all of them things aside and focus on more urgent, important matters, such as studying and becoming something in life.

But hardly anyone knows what I really, really want to do.

I want to run. I want to run until I reach the horizon, and even then keep on running, until the sweat drops down my body and I am too exhausted to even move. I want to run to Paris, to Rome, to London, swim across the ocean if I have to. I want to see the world, because I cannot stand seeing this goddamned forsaken place anymore, all them familiar faces of people I once knew but never really wanted to know, all them painful mermories burried in a hole of six foot deep, all the failures and mistakes I made. I want to run away. Unfortunately there is no place where pain cannot catch up with you. It always catches up, in the long run.

You see, lots of emotional garbage. You don’t want to love. Hell, you don’t even want to befriend me. The only reasons I have friends is because they don’t know who I am, who I really am. Sure I can put up my mask for a while, but that doesn’t change who I am underneat. Sure you can like me because I am cheery and enthusiastic, as long as you ignore the bored look in my eyes and the irriation in my voice. Sure if you barely met me, you can’t know. You can’t possibly know about the insomnia, about the buckload of guilt, about the sorrows and the razor-sharp pain, about the lies and the anger. The anger might be the strongest and the worst. Its inevitable. It’s about to break loose. It always is.

To make a long story short; my dearest boyfriend, I don’t know why you want to be with me. Why you want to get to know me, why you want to open that closet of deeply hidden secrets, why you want to dig up corpses on the cemetery that is my soul? Sometimes I think that is the only reason why you are doing it; because you are drawn to my pain, to my screwed up mind. That would end as soon as you dive into it, trust me. My mind is too wicked, even for you.

It keeps me puzzled though. It amazes me, why you would even try. But I never lied to you, so I suspect you are sort of up for the task, although you can’t really know what that means. You know you’re in for one hell of a ride, but still you hold on and claim you’ll be able to do it.

You surprise me every day.

No, I mean, I really wonder. Why has this pain not yet faded away, although I have tried everything within my power to withstand it. I have pulled away from you, and I came back. I ignored you for weeks, but part of me knew you were still there. Now you’re not anymore and I can’t help but think you forgot all about me. About who we were, about what we were like, about the future we had in mind for us. A future that is now gone; ripped to shreds, teared into a million small pieces.
Those words you told me, were they honestly that hollow and empty? When you said you wanted no girl but one like me, was that a joke? Because I sure didn’t take it as one. Alright, so maybe I am cold. Maybe I’m the one who said goodbye. But not really. You know who I am, who I was?

I was the girl who would travel to the other end of the world for you. I was the girl who felt your moodswings from miles away, who thought about you for nearly every second of the day. I wanted to take you to Paris and show you the Eiffeltower, I wanted to bring you to Vienna and show you the beauty of the city of rivers. I wanted to travel to Egypt with you and discover the pyramids, memories of an ancient world. I wanted to unreveal the secrets of life and death itself, with you by my side. I wanted to show you what true love meant, what it means like to be alive, what it actually means to live and breathe.

I would have died for you.

If we could start all over again, erase our mistakes and our wrong-doings, find a way to be together beyond our differences; I would gladly accept that opportunity. Your image haunts me, the wrongs I did to you are part of my worst nightmares. I know you would have wanted that too. I know for a fact that you love me. I am even willing to bet that you still do. You may have found a new girlfriend and I may have the best boyfriend I could’ve wished for, it’s still there. I’m not sure it’ll ever go away. It’s so deep and so strong that it’s part of me…

Perhaps I am judging you too harshly when I blame you for getting a new girlfriend so soon. I was the one who broke your heart after all, used you and then threw it away. That it was merely revenge, does not take my guilt away. I hurt you. But you’re the one thing that still matters, the first thing I think about it the morning. When I sleep at night, I still feel your strong arms around me, protecting me and holding me close. If you even begun to understand the meaning and potential of my love, you would not have turned on me that soon.

I know I hardly talk about it. I know my new msn nickname probably hurts your feelings. I know I can overreact and blame you for everything. But if we talk on the phone, can you honestly say you will ever trully love her the way you loved me? That she will ever mean the same? You were my first love, the boy I gave my virginity to, the boy I spent two and a half years of my love with and you throw all of that – all of the happiness, love, dreams, hopes – away for what?

You told me two weeks ago: “If I get a new, she’ll have to be smart. And at least half as pretty as you. She would have to be clever, witty and all of that”. If that’s what you find in your new girl, then I’m insulted. Not only my intelligence, but also my humour and appearance are insulted. Sure, she may fit better with you, but she fits none of them criteria.

You talk to me on the phone and call me ‘love’. You say you do not wish to hurt you. Neither do I, but I had to make a choice, a choice which I will never regret. It just…hurts. Don’t ask me why, don’t ask me how, I can’t even begin to explain. You were my world, and now you’re gone I’ll havr to reinvent my world all over again. That sucks, you know.

I’m a big sucker for Harry Potter Fanfiction; I love writing fanfics, but I also love reading them. The only problem is that, in order to find a breath-taking, nail-biting fanfic that makes you sit on the edge of your seat and makes you fall on your knees begging the author to write more; you first have to find your way through an enormous pile of crap. Yes, crap, because of all the stuff that gets posted under the “Recently Updated” section of harrypotterfanfiction.com; at least nine out of ten stories are crap.

They lack catching oneliners that draw you to reading the story, the banners they use suck (which makes the story at least ten times less appealing to me), the characters are getting old (please one more Hermione/Draco badly done and I’m going to puke) or they simply ignore any of the characteristics already mentioned in the original Rowling’s books. If you want to change Ron into a heroic warrior, you will have to pull a LOT of strings to make that one believable to me. You want to pair up Harry and Hermione? Turn the world upside down. Most authors don’t realise that what works in their fluffy little fantasy world, doesn’t work in real life. Readers aren’t interested in the offsprings of your sick mind, unless you manage to pull it off in a believable and interesting matter. But please keep away from sucky ideas such as: making Harry Potter a vampire, developing theories about a family connection between Harry and Voldemort and quit the magical “Sirius returns from Zombie world” madness.

Too often I browse through the recent list on harrypotterfanfiction.com and come across such idiocies. The problem with the entire browsing system there, is that although one can browse the story archive by a hell of a lot of preferences, ranging from era to pairing, there is no “best of” or “most reviewed”, etc. There is, on the Best of HPFF page, but the number is limited to ten. I don’t know about you, but I get through ten stories rather quickly. I would prefer a monthly “Best Of”, or even a weekly. It would sure give me a lot more reading options. Sure HPFF also features some Author and Story recommendations, but the last date from December 11th and the ones before that dated from July 2008…You can probably see where I’m coming from. They throw the good and bad stuff together and mix it in a blending pot. Eventually the ‘best’ stuff (most reviewed ever, most updated ever) comes out, but the ‘good’ stuff stays hidden. My mission is to find this good stuff and present it to you.

Now, before you start looking forward to my monthly (I think weekly would be too much hassle for me) recommendations of HP stories, keep a few things in mind: I hate fluff, I’m not fond of Harry/Hermione nor Hermione/Draco, if you bring up a title anywhere near ‘Harry Potter and the Attack of the Werewolves’ I might not even bother reading, if you make Draco soft and weak I will probably despise your story and I absolutely ABSOLUTELY will NOT read a novel length story in which the main character falls in love with an OC character anywhere in the first five chapters. On the other hand; if you serve me sexy bad guys, mixed with a delicious amount of wicked plans to control the universe, the necessary drama, blood and madness, I might adore you till the end of time. Well, now you guys know a few of my preferences, you will probably have a better clue of whether or not my story recommendations will be somewhat in line with the type of HP fanfics you prefer.

The way I think about it now, my recommended fanfics will be posted once a month in a seperate category which will (no kidding…) be called: “Recommended HP Fanfics”, with my short opinion and of course a link to the fanfic itself. Length of the fic will be mentioned, but to me it doesn’t really matter. I enjoy reading one-shots just as much as I enjoy reading novel-length pieces. And as a short message to HP fanfic authors, you may always comment here, leaving a link to your HP Fanfic so I can read it and possible even add it to my recommended list.

So, let me know what you guys think about this little idea of mine and I will get back to you asap with a list of my Recommended HP Fanfics for the month February