Post-Break-up: the last few months
A bunch of drama and crap September 3rd, 2009The last few months have been hell. I didn’t even realise how much I relied on my ex-boyfriend until we broke up. Now it’s all over, I feel…lifeless. Empty. Dead. But the days go by and I manage. It’s still a struggle though, to keep my head above the water, to keep going, to keep fighting against…well yes, against what exactly? The dreams, the memories, the constant feeling that something is missing, that something is gone? Fighting against the depression, the urge to give up, to let it all go, to drift into that familiar state where I don’t have to care about anything or anyone – not even myself. It’s easier to stop fighting and to just give in, but I can’t, I won’t. It’s just that well…I feel lost. So utterly and completely lost that I don’t know where to go but every road looks the same, dull and boring, and nothing is even remotely interesting. I’ve been through just about every post-break-up phase possibly, ranging from hysteria and cry-fests to not-caring, hatred and anger and every fucking thing in between.
I’ve hid myself in my room and stared at our picture for hours; I’ve gone out all night, gotten drunk and did all that stuff drunk people do; I’ve studied nights in a row because I couldn’t sleep at all. I remember packing my bags and planning to leave, actuallly leaving but then eventually returning; I’m nineteen: running isn’t an option anymore. I’ve done every possible thing I could think off to get over my ex-boyfriend, but I can’t. I can’t let it go. My mind is working against me. Every night, I keep running down the options: why did he do the things he did, why did I do the things I did, what the fuck happened to us? I mean: I remember us being happy, hell, I remember me being happier than I’ve been in years! The worst part is that I don’t know how to be happy again. There are shadows where there used to be only light. I’ve been whining about this to my friends for so long that I think I’m starting to annoy them. But I know why I can’t let go. Why I can’t just move on.
I don’t care anymore whatever it meant to him. To me, it was real, the real thing, real love, the sort of love you find once in a lifetime. The connection between souls where you feel what your partner feels before he even has to tell you. I’m not going to find that again and I don’t want to find it either. Because you know what it means when I let it go, when I give up and move on, when I stop missing him? It means it wasn’t real. It will completely ruin the fairytale-image I have of it. It will mean that it’s just another “simple” relationship, nothing special, nothing at all what I made from it. I’m an idiot for thinking like that, but it’s exactly how my brain works. If I get over it, if I let it go, then it wasn’t the real thing. And for some reason, I want it to have been real. I want all that pain and confusion to have had a purpose.
So, I went through finals. Failed a couple, had to do them again during summer. They won’t be good. I hardly care. University used to be everything to me. It used to mean the world. It was my goal, go to law school, become a lawyer. Fulfill your dream. It’s not my dream anymore. Or maybe it is, but I’m too busy trying to escape my pain to actually see it. It’s like I’ve put my life on hold until the pain is over. And I’m filling up the holes in my heart with new activities, with new hobbies, but I don’t have any room left for love. I don’t want to love anyone right now. I just want to keep busy until it’s all over, the pain, the hurt, the feeling of being betrayed. So next year, school-wise, I don’t know what I’m going to do. I’ll try to study more, I’ll try to make it my dream again, but I don’t know if I can. I’ll try to learn from this experience and become a stonger person, but I’m afraid all it’s making me do, is caring less and less about people in general.
For those of you who are wondering, I haven’t heard from my ex-boyfriend in two, nearly three months. It’s been more than six months since we broke up. I should have been over him by now, but I’m not. Every bloody thing reminds me of him. I miss him and hell, I still love him. One day, all of that will dissapear. But that day is not today. Today I’m hurting my best friend because I cannot love anyone that special way anymore. Today I’m breaking someone else’s heart because mine is broken too. It sucks and I don’t want to do it, but I can’t love anyone (as in boyfriend-girlfriend love) until my heart is healed. It’s healing, I know, slowly, but I’ll get there. This time, I won’t run anyway. I’ll face my demon.
September 8th, 2009 at 4:23 pm
*hugs* I know how you feel in a way. My boyfriend and I broke up back in December. It was so so so hard on me. We were broken up for 5 months and every single day of those 5 months I cried or was upset in some way. It was horrible. Then we got back together in May. Now just last night he is questioning whether we will really work together, and I am so scared he’s going to break up with me again. I don’t think I could handle that pain a 2nd time. People break up every day and they make it seem like nothing. I don’t know how they make it seem so easy. It’s not.
September 10th, 2009 at 11:15 pm
sweetheart reading your post here really compelled me to want to tell you that everything will be OK. I broke up with my boyfriend this May, and i’ve felt all those things you’ve mentioned — sadness, grief, a feeling of being lost, and so much more. for someone who is only nineteen, you are very articulate, reflective, and smart. you know you have all the greatest potentials in finding someone else who will suit you much better in the future, so do not even worry! I myself have gone through a couple breakups (im 28 now), so i’ve learned what to expect and when everything should start feeling better. Its been 4 months since my boyfriend and I have broken up, and I too felt such intense love for him and a deep connection, that I even thought I would be spending the rest of my life with him. But sometimes they may still not be the one for you, its different for everyone, different experiences and destiny. Some are meant to meet the one they are supposed to be with early, and some are given special experiences and adventures in life to further and enhance their experience here on earth. I feel I was given many ‘lessons’, and I am grateful for it because I am a better person from it all. I am more aware and mature than if I had not had those lessons to learn from. I’m actually grateful I have not settled down yet becuase there is so much more out there to see and do!!! My point is my dear, I know its really hard right now for you because you felt this was your one true love. But believe me, time DOES heal all wounds, and you will feel normal again when your heart has gone through the pain and hurt. I am also going to school at University (UCSD), so having a break up while also enduring school and studies is very difficult. But not impossible. I put all my extra time in my studies, instead of sitting around moping and looking at our pictures I picked up my textbook and read. Everytime I felt sad and wanted to think about the sad situation, I would give myself only a few moments like five mintues (sometimes if I needed more time i’d give it to myself), to think and be sad, but after i’d make myself concentrate on something else. At this time i’d suggest doing things that make you happy, whether its watching all the most sappiest movies for an entire day, or going to places that your ex normally wouldn’t have wanted to go with you, or spending time with friends and making new ones — all these help, but don’t eliminate the pain because you need to work through that yourself in time — but these are nice distractions that will at least give you a little pick-me-up and make your mood less depressive. If you want to know where my healing stage is after 4 months, its about 96% over him. But this was after spending crazy times with friends in vegas, not once but three times there! And going out meeting people, drinking a few spirits on occasion to lift my mood, and throwing yourself in work is also a good temporary fix. having friends there I feel helped tremendously a lot, and its never too hard to begin making visits to see old friends again to catch up. just know, your only at the beginning right now, but you will start to feel better once you give yourself enough time to grieve, do what you need to do during this stage — cry eyes out, watch sad movies and cry some more, think of the happy times as well as the bad, and allow yourself to feel that you did open your heart to this person — the point here is to release the sadness/anger/disapointment/pain/hurt as much as you can so you can feel it faster and heal faster (this worked a lot for me). It will still take time, but do things to make this time productive, whether its working on getting over him or making yourself feel better etc. You’ll be fine though sweetie, I can tell you are a survivor: ) you have a good head on your shoulders as well being very mature and thoughtful at your age. just know to do what you need to do at this stage but do not let go of your studies, that is your future, and a little later you will realize it wouldn’t have been worth it to have let this guy trample all over your dreams like that. he was a passing ship, but you are the captain of your ship! take control of the situation and good luck with everything girl. you will be happy again, just take things day by day : )
September 13th, 2009 at 9:41 pm
“it’s because you yearn for happiness there is suffering waiting for you in the other end.” Lot of things happen in life, but treasured memories as such are rare. Don’t dwell on it or try to make it come back, just let it go.
I know it’s easier said than done, and I myself have been there. It will hurt for a while, but if he’s not the one, there’s nothing you can do about it. Be strong!!
September 15th, 2009 at 8:33 am
I don’t ever reply to posts like this but…even though I don’t know you, I really feel for you. And all of the things you just described, I feel like those are my emotions that you put into words perfectly. It’s been just over 2 months since my break-up and I don’t know who I am or what I want anymore. I look back on the happy times we had together and wish with all my heart that I could take us back to that time and keep it that way.
September 15th, 2009 at 8:36 am
I hope you pull through this because you sound like a person who deserves to be happy. I wish you all the best.