Aishiteru

Actually, breaks-ups suck for a lot of reasons. It breaks your heart, it makes you feel like a nobody, it messes up your other social relationships since you’re actually a wreck, etc. But the most annoying thing of it all is that break-ups result in drama-episodes, in which you cry, cry and cry even more and then go on to write the most stupid, over-dramatic, sucky, horrible prose or poetry you have ever written in your entire life. Sure it comes straight from your heart and is a reflection of your pain, but that doesn’t take away the fact it’s horribly written and gives you an even worse feeling about yourself. Oh well, for your enjoyment and my despair:

Who are we now
I wonder
Used to think you were perfect
for me, at least
All ever desired
by a heart that was messed up
from the very start
But you knew
Told you so, been honest
As I recall
Broken yet you healed
with more care than first expected
a smile never to forget
an angel, descended from the heavens
now cold, dark, alone
shadowy figure in crowded streets
no one looking back to see
pure agony
torment
hell has come upon us
I know you feel it too
Apocalyptic evil
Conceited in a heart once loving
loving you
never anyone else, never used to
always fear
you cast away the demons
then you became them
who are we now,
I wonder.

^^Can you believe that’s like the least terrible one? I so need therapy now.

The boyfriend and I broke up. Been a couple of months. Couldn’t get myself to go on the blog anymore.

Aishiteru means “I love you” in Chinese or Japanse, I can’t bother to look it up right now. It was the first way he told me he loved me. I named the blog like that to honour him and our relationship. Guess that doesn’t work anymore.

I’ll figure out some thing and come back, new name, new layout, same url. I’m heart-broken and not in the mood to write blogs, if you get my drift. At least not on this subject, so I’ll not get into it any closer. Sorry guys.

See ya soon.

No, I mean, I really wonder. Why has this pain not yet faded away, although I have tried everything within my power to withstand it. I have pulled away from you, and I came back. I ignored you for weeks, but part of me knew you were still there. Now you’re not anymore and I can’t help but think you forgot all about me. About who we were, about what we were like, about the future we had in mind for us. A future that is now gone; ripped to shreds, teared into a million small pieces.
Those words you told me, were they honestly that hollow and empty? When you said you wanted no girl but one like me, was that a joke? Because I sure didn’t take it as one. Alright, so maybe I am cold. Maybe I’m the one who said goodbye. But not really. You know who I am, who I was?

I was the girl who would travel to the other end of the world for you. I was the girl who felt your moodswings from miles away, who thought about you for nearly every second of the day. I wanted to take you to Paris and show you the Eiffeltower, I wanted to bring you to Vienna and show you the beauty of the city of rivers. I wanted to travel to Egypt with you and discover the pyramids, memories of an ancient world. I wanted to unreveal the secrets of life and death itself, with you by my side. I wanted to show you what true love meant, what it means like to be alive, what it actually means to live and breathe.

I would have died for you.

If we could start all over again, erase our mistakes and our wrong-doings, find a way to be together beyond our differences; I would gladly accept that opportunity. Your image haunts me, the wrongs I did to you are part of my worst nightmares. I know you would have wanted that too. I know for a fact that you love me. I am even willing to bet that you still do. You may have found a new girlfriend and I may have the best boyfriend I could’ve wished for, it’s still there. I’m not sure it’ll ever go away. It’s so deep and so strong that it’s part of me…

Perhaps I am judging you too harshly when I blame you for getting a new girlfriend so soon. I was the one who broke your heart after all, used you and then threw it away. That it was merely revenge, does not take my guilt away. I hurt you. But you’re the one thing that still matters, the first thing I think about it the morning. When I sleep at night, I still feel your strong arms around me, protecting me and holding me close. If you even begun to understand the meaning and potential of my love, you would not have turned on me that soon.

I know I hardly talk about it. I know my new msn nickname probably hurts your feelings. I know I can overreact and blame you for everything. But if we talk on the phone, can you honestly say you will ever trully love her the way you loved me? That she will ever mean the same? You were my first love, the boy I gave my virginity to, the boy I spent two and a half years of my love with and you throw all of that – all of the happiness, love, dreams, hopes – away for what?

You told me two weeks ago: “If I get a new, she’ll have to be smart. And at least half as pretty as you. She would have to be clever, witty and all of that”. If that’s what you find in your new girl, then I’m insulted. Not only my intelligence, but also my humour and appearance are insulted. Sure, she may fit better with you, but she fits none of them criteria.

You talk to me on the phone and call me ‘love’. You say you do not wish to hurt you. Neither do I, but I had to make a choice, a choice which I will never regret. It just…hurts. Don’t ask me why, don’t ask me how, I can’t even begin to explain. You were my world, and now you’re gone I’ll havr to reinvent my world all over again. That sucks, you know.

I have examinations. They are bloody difficult. I’m half-way, but it sucks, I hate it, there is no God.

So, there’s your explenation for why I’m not posting.

Updates when examinations are over.

I figure that now is the time to turn around my life, to become the person I always wanted to be, to make the best out of my day, to live fully and completely by the statement of ‘Carpe Diem’…But who am I kidding? I never stick to New Year’s Resolutions. Never.
It’s not that I don’t want to. It’s mostly that I forget about them, usually on January the 2nd and in rare cases even on January the first. Then, for some reason unknown to mankind, I seem to remember about them right at the beginning of March. It’s unfair, I tell ya. My mind plays tricks with me all the time. Stupid malin génie (and thanks to Descartes for this wonderful definition).
So, this year I decided to make New Year’s Resolutions again, just for the heck of it. If I don’t stick to them, well nothing’s lost really. If I do stick to them, ah well. You know, no stress. Chill. Relax. You’re only about to die in a week or three (due to examinations). So what do you really care about them resolutions?

1.  Make a week-to-week schedule and actually stick to it.
   You have no idea how hard this is for me. I’m not a person who works well on schedules: I either tend to be late, or stall enough to be late. When I have planned an hour of studying around two o’clock you can damn sure bet on it that I’ll still be on my computer then or chatting with friends or doing whatever possible NOT to have to study. This often leads to me, in hour to get my 8 hours of studying/classes a day, studying until late at night because I stall during day time. Next semester, I bet you this won’t happen again (as much). I’m sick and tired of having to study while others are watching movies or going out, simply because I stall and am lazy. (Besides, this usually ends up in me still doing those activities anyway, hence not studying enough and not reaching the required 8 hours/day).
2. Prepare classes and rehersethe material we’ve seen after classes. Also prepare for the group assignments.
   You may have figured out by now that I am lazy. I like to do everything just five minutes before it’s due, which usually leads to me getting into trouble or falling behind on schedule. Well, not anymore in 2009, folks! I’m going to prepare classes, reherse everything we’ve seen right after classes, write summaries and study them. I want to know at least half of what I need to know, before the actual studying period starts. You may wonder why. In all honesty I have realised that, when I stall or do other things when I should be studying, this doesn’t really turn out in my advantage. It seems like a long, long time ago since I actually had the time to relax without having to think about the fact I am wasting precious time I could use studying. I want to be able to relax completely, without having to worry about said matters. I believe this will be far more easier for me to accomplish when I actually do the stuff I am supposed to do.
3. Exercise at least an hour a day + go jogging with my mates once a week. No excuses.
   I’m not exactly the most athletic person and I don’t really like sports, apart from swimming. But I do know that “a healthy mind resorts in a healthy body”. Don’t be mistakes though, talking a walk or doing some yoga or dancing in the kitchen counts under my “exercise an hour a day” – resolutions too.
4. Post on this website at least once every two days (and if I am without inspiration, then do something on my to-do list).
   I think this kind of speaks for itself. The thing on the to-do list may have to do with other websites then this one, though.
5. Read a book every two/three weeks.
   This depends on how busy I am and how much coursework I have, but I will try to read (and review!) a book every two or three weeks. Except during examination period in June.
6. Write a minimum of one tutorial or website review a month.
   Speaks for itself, but is damn difficult for me!
7. Try to be less aggrivated and do not bash my Mom so much.
   My Mom is the nicest person on this planet. She doesn’t deserve me treating her badly at times. I should be nicer to her and I will honestly try. I will also try to help her out more, be more understanding and generally more loving.
8. Sell some of my old stuff and earn tons of money!
   Well, maybe not “tons”, but you get the idea. The entire house is cluttered by my old, useless belongings. Papers, junk, all will have to go! The money can go to new, shiny things.
9. Buy more original gifts for people.
   I’m not that good at buying people presents, but I will try to be more original this year. So flowers, you’re out!
10. Do something creative (drawing, painting, writing poetry, playing the clarinet) at least one hour a week.
    I don’t really know why, but this just seems like a good idea to me.
11. Work on my novel at least one hour a week and actually manage to finish it before December 31th, 2009.
    Hard since I actually have had no inspiration whatsoever in the past, lets say, six months, but oh well for the heck of it!
12. Redecorate my room at some point during the year. Possibly with money gained from selling old belongings.
    Vague, but definately a must-do since my room looks like…well, shit.
13. Try to eat a bit healthier.
    Ehm, never gonna work. Why do I even bother?
14. All in all: be a tad bit happier, a tad bit more relaxed, use my time to the fullest, enjoy every moment and make 2009 the best year ever.

I’m full of shit, am I not? I’m never going to stick to ANY of these resolutions, not even when Hell freezes over. Oh well.

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