Zwinkyness

Hello darling,

I used to love you. God, you know how much I used to love you. You were everything for me, my world, my rays of sunlight, my hint of darkness, the only one standing between me and madness.

I know I have put you through a lot, because of my sometimes childish behaviour, because of me always wanting things my way. I know I was a fool, I know I overreacted and I know I blamed you for a hell lot more than you were responsible for. If something went wrong, I blamed in on you, due to my own reluctantness towards accepting that not everything can go the way I want to. I acted like a spoiled, immature and stuck-up bitch. For that, I sincerely apologise.

We have gone a long way, lover, and we both know it. We went through happy and joyful days, but also through episodes of pain and dispair. You cheated on me, I cheated on you, but we ended up together after all. To be honest, I don’t really know why. Lets admit that it does not really seem as though nature put us together as Yin and Yang, Alpha and Omega, and so on. We do not get along greatly, we often argue, we often ignore each other,… But in the end, you were always there for me. Until that one time.

That one time, when I so desperately needed your love. That one time, when I craved to hear your voice, you did not pick up the telephone. Not the first time, not the second time, not even the twentieth time. You had lost interest in me, I recall your words. You did not love me anymore. You kept on like that for approximately five days, because afterwards, you missed me more than ever.

Oh God, lover, don’t you see? We cannot be together, because, when we are, we do not get along. When you have the feeling you have me and I am yours, you ignore me and my needs. But when someone touches that which is yours, you overload me with gifts and attention. Your gifts I do not need, your attention and love I crave for. So you wonder still, why I cheat on you frequently, flirt in front of your eyes, and act so innocently afterwards? I do not care about others, never have, you were always the only one my heart trully belonged to. But you give me no choice: if I have to battle for your attention, if only when you feel the danger of losing me, you can trully show your affection, then you leave me no choice but to fight with all the weapons I can find.

That is over now. I have come to realise that, although I still love you deeply and you will always be in my heart, we do not belong. I’ve been blind, but now I’ve seen the light. You do not love me the way I want to be loved. You do not spoil me with attention, you never bought me dinner, you never treated me as a princess, you were never able to fulfill even my greatest desires. What hurt me the most during our relationship? I can tell you right now.

Firstly, the time you cheated on me. Once, may I recall, but it is still burned in my mind forever. If I close my eyes, I can still see it happening. But, I forgave you and because you regret it till the day of today, I will not charge this against you.

But the one time, when I wanted to go to this book store and you didn’t feel like going, you really hurt me. Why? Because I only ask once, perhaps twice a year. If you ask me to come with you to some carshow, I accept, not because I enjoy looking at some nifty car, but because I love you and I like spending time with you and doing what you like to do. Is it too much just to return the favor? I would have really liked it if you came along.

And the final thing is: how come you hardly ever call or send a text message? Why does it always have to be me who shows that I miss you, and why do you never show? Had you shown your love and appreciation, your commitment and friendship more, then I would have never left you.

But sadly enough, my love, I say goodbye. Because I have seen true love, I have felt it through every vein of my body, I have sensed it with every inch of my skin and I have discovered it with every heartbeat. I have found a new love, a true love, a love based on deep friendship, telling each other anything we can think of, spoiling each other with gifts and attention, and so much more. A love so pure and bright that, what we had, suddenly seemed so empty. Empty, but definately not meaningless, my dear.

Maybe I am stupid, maybe I just don’t know what I want, but part of me still loves you. Part of me will always love you and I am certain that, when I am eighty years of age and we meet each other again, I will still recognise you, because I know that, for a short while, our souls have been one. And my soul will always recognise yours, and it will always scent when you need me the most, and in hours of danger, it will always be by your side. But our love, ends now.

You were my first. My first love that lasted longer than a week. I gave you my virginity and I would not rather give it to anyone else. If things could be done all over again, I would do it all the same. Because I know you loved me and I love you. Forever.

But we just don’t belong together.